QQ: What’s your favorite article written by Jake?
‘A Guy Goes Tanning’ by Jake Hurwitz
A guy walks into a tanning salon
Girl Clerk: Hello sir, how are you?
Guy: I’m okay, thanks. I-
Girl Clerk: Are you picking someone up?
Girl Clerk: Let me guess, short blonde? She’s going to be done in-
Guy: No, no I’m not. I’m actually-
Girl Clerk: Oh a gift certificate? Well those come in either sessions or-
Guy: Listen, I’m not here for a gift certificate.
Girl Clerk: I hope your not asking me out, I have a boyfriend.
Guy: I’m not. I-
Girl Clerk: You need directions? There’s a gas station right next do-
Guy: I need a room.
Guy: A room. A tanning bed. Whatever you call it, you know, a room.
Girl Clerk: I don’t understand.
Guy: (Leaning in) I want to pay you to lie in a bed and get a tan.
Girl Clerk: Excuse me, I am not going to lie in bed and get a tan with you.
Guy: (Sternly) I didn’t say “with me.”
Another customer walks in
Customer: (To Guy) Are you in line?
Guy: Pssht, no. (Looks at Clerk and vigorously shakes his head)
Girl Clerk: Yes, yes you just asked me for a room.
Guy: Ha! No I didn’t, are you crazy? (turns to customer) She’s crazy. (To cashier) I didn’t ask for a room you crazy bitch.
Girl Clerk: You absolutely did. (Typing furiously on a computer) Ok, room 10 is available.
Customer: (Stares at Guy)
Guy: Oh so now you competely understand what I’m talking about, huh? Listen, I’m just picking up a gift certificate for my girlfriend. (Turns to Customer) She’s so hot.
Another male customer walks in
Guy: Look! Guys tan, I told you!
Customer 2: I’m picking up my girlfriend, homo.
Guy: Me too, douche bag… I was kidding.
Customer 2: Oh, I was kidding too. I’m actually getting a tan.
Guy: Oh really? Nice, me too.
Customer 2: Gotcha, faggot!
Guy: You wish.
Customer 2: What?
Girl Clerk: (To Guy) Oh wait, I know you. your name is in the computer. Hang on. (Furiously types) Yeah, you’ve got 7 sessions left.
Guy: (Laughing nervously) No, I don’t think that’s me.
Girl Clerk: Nope, there’s a picture of you right here. You’re name is-
Guy: (Suddenly lunges at the computer, picks up the monitor and hurls it through the glass window. Everyone sits in stunned silence) You know what, I have a few errands to do. Just tell my girlfriend to text me when she gets out. Lates. (Guy angrily storms out)
Girl Clerk: (Looking out the window) I don’t believe this. (Outside, Guy has changed into a speedo and is lying on the hood of his car.)
Guy: (Suddenly notices everyone looking at him.) Faggots!
I Think We May Have To Put Clifford Down by Jake Hurwitz
- Dad: Emily! Will you come in to the living room?
- Emily: What is it, Dad?
- Dad: We need to have a talk. It's about Clifford.
- Emily: Is everything okay?
- Dad: I'm afraid not. We may have to put Clifford down.
- Emily: No, Daddy! Why?
- Dad: Clifford is very sick, Emily, it's very obvious.
- Emily: But I love Clifford.
- Dad: We all love Clifford. But his vomitting is wildly out of control. All of the grass in our yard is dead because of it. Clifford's diarhea is impossible to clean up, I'm sure you've noticed. It's enough to fill a regular sized pool.
- Emily: But-
- Dad: You can smell it from blocks away.
- Emily: We can move again.
- Dad: We already moved after Clifford attacked that woman.
- Emily: But you said Clifford just wanted to make babies.
- Dad: I was trying to protect you. That woman could have died. Clifford's penis is nine feet long.
- Emily: Maybe we could enter him in some kind of contest.
- Dad: No, Emi- You think we haven't tried that? You think- I'm sorry, I don't want to lose my temper right now.
- Emily: ...
- Dad: It's just that, Emily, I'm working three jobs just to give Clifford enough food to stay alive. We moved out of town to give Clifford more room and now I sit in traffic for an hour every day on the way to work. This isn't how I imagined my life, Emily.
- Emily: What about Clifford?
- Dad: What about me God Damnit. Do you know how many bones of our neighbor's pets I've had to bury in our woods? Clifford is a violent dog.
- Emily: I won't let you hurt Clifford!
- Dad: Oh so now you're telling me what to do? I'm trying to do what's humane, Emily. But if you stand in my way, so help me God I will go Atticus Finch on that f*cking dog.
- Emily: You're a monster!
- Dad: Are you out of your mind? You have a GINORMOUS red dog living in my yard and I'm the monster?
Avoiding Condoms by Jake Hurwitz
When we were kids we couldn’t wait to use condoms. I used to carry one around in my wallet in 8th grade, anxiously anticipating the day I would finally unwrap it like a glorious birthday, Christmas and Hanukah present all rolled into one. As we’ve grown up, we still have an intense relationship with our latex friend, but it’s more of a love-hate deal. Similar to booze, the condom has an uncanny ability to take all the good feeling away from sex. Its one redeeming factor, however, is its awesome power to make sure I don’t become a daddy. Well I’ve been working long and hard on coming up with ways to keep the effectiveness of the condom, but lose the no-feeling feeling.
Method 1: No condom. This method is easy, you just don’t wear a condom. If your partner gets all bitchy and is like, “Are you wearing a condom?” just say, “Yeah.” This plan works best if you have just met the girl that night and have given her a fake name. Also, it doesn’t hurt to be in another town. That way, if your baby’s mama tries to find you she won’t know where to start.
Method 2: The “condom”. This method is very similar to the first method, only without the blatant lie. When the girl says, “Are you wearing a condom?” you say, “Yeah, I’m wearing a “˜condom.’” Hopefully you’re doing this in a fairly dark room so she can’t see the air-quotes you’ll be doing. This way if she gets pregnant you can just be like, “Wasn’t me, slut, I had a “˜condom’ on.” Sarcasm is hilarious.
Method 3: The condon. This is the most genius of all the methods. The condons only similarity to the condom is that they sound very alike. The condon is actually a word I made up for a watch. Before you start having sex your partner might say, “Do you have a condom.” You ignore their question and you say, “Let me put on my condon.” Now you discretely slip on a watch and start boning. You never said you were wearing a condom, you sly fox.
Method 4: The Vasectomy. This is a low risk, painless and very quick operation. You can get a Vasectomy from just about anyone; they don’t even need to have a license to practice medicine. I got mine from a guy washing windows outside a Starbucks. The Vasectomy is also totally cheap, around five bucks. Not to mention it’s ever rising popularity amongst teens. Pretty soon you’ll be able to walk into class and announce, “Yo, yo I got my “˜V’ done!” At which point every guy in the room will high five you.
Method 5: Just Have a Baby. Are you really so self-absorbed that you can’t put another human being before you? You can’t drop out of school and devote your life to your kid? What are you, selfish? Just find a smokin’ hot babe, then plant your seed. Having a kid with a girl is basically marking your territory for life. So go find some prime real estate.
So there you have it, kids, a little list of methods to use in lieu of the condom. But there are other ways around our latex friends/enemies, try butt sex, blow jobs, and if worse comes to worse, kicking that bitch in the stomach.
You’re Never Going To Find These Eggs by Jake Hurwitz
Oh. My. God. I am a mastermind. I am an evil genius. I am Godlike. You will never- NEVER find these eggs. There’s just no way. Try. Go on, start looking. Oh yeah, yeah, on the mantle, that’s a good start. ERRRR! Wrong! You think I’d hide eggs in the living room? The OBVIOUS first place you’d look? I’m not retarded kids, that’s you.
Ok, ok, the kitchen. You’re getting warmer, I guess. PSYCHE. Why would I tell you if you were getting warmer? You think I want you to find these eggs? Keep looking, morons.
Going outside now, eh? Finally making some good decisions. Maybe I don’t have to be ashamed of you after all. Don’t insult me Ben, you think I’d hide the eggs right by the steps to the porch? You’ll have to crawl a lot further underneath the deck to find any eggs at all. Samantha might be on to something! But, Sam, hey- Sam, you’re going to have to climb that tree MUCH higher if you want to find anything. Don’t be a baby, reach for that branch. You have to commit to the climb, Sam. One more branch up…you’ve almost found the first egg…NOT! HAHAHA, whoops! Looks like there aren’t any eggs in the tree either! Maybe you’ll find a bird egg?! Idiot.
You know what, maybe we should go inside, this is pointless. Know why? Because you will NEVER find these eggs. I started planning for this in June of last year. I haven’t slept in 4 days because I’ve been hiding and rehiding eggs. Even if you think you find the eggs, you won’t have. Because I’ve planted dummy eggs all over the yard.
By the time you find these f*cking eggs they’ll be full grown chickens! Yeah, that’s right, Samantha, I didn’t even boil them! If you don’t find them soon all the baby chickens will die and it will be all your fault. Why are you crying? That kind of attitude never found any eggs. Man up, Samantha.
No, Ben, don’t be a smartass. This isn’t why your mother left. You want to know why I do this, Samantha? For the same reason I’ve faked my own gruesome death every Halloween for the past 4 years, for the same reason I broke both my legs and fractured my skull coming down the chimney as Santa last Christmas. I do this because I love you guys. And I’m giving you a true Holiday to remember. I love you two very much. Now go out there and find. Those. F*cking. Eggs. NOW.
The Perfect Mix CD by Jake Hurwitz
So you finally got the nerve to ask out that hot girl in your anthropology class - and when she turned you down you decided to settle for that weird girl who sits on the other side of you with the short haircut and the lisp. When you found out she was a lesbian you went back to your dorm to kill yourself; this is when you discovered that your roommate’s hot cousin was coming to visit. Now it’s on! After a long night of party hopping and walking through the Wendy’s drive-through like a bad-ass your roommate finally passes out, leaving you and his increasingly beautiful cousin all alone on the futon. If you’re a true P.I.M.P.P. (Professional I-pod Master Play-list Planner) like me you’ve already prepared for this moment by making the perfect mix CD. The play-list might look a little something like this: 1. Dave Matthews Band: Crash. This song automatically sets the mood before your roommate’s cousin even realizes what’s happening. Memories of making out with her ex-boyfriend/random strangers during DMB concerts flood her mind, and she is rendered powerless against the romantic melody of the song. Dave’s soothing vocals will act as the ultimate aphrodisiac as you try to initiate a little conversation. Ask her about her hopes, dreams and fears. Ask her about her first kiss”¦ just to make sure she isn’t a lesbian”¦ 2. Enrique Iglesias: Escape. She might giggle just a little bit when this song starts to play, but that’s the idea, just like roofies are the key to a women’s pants, laughter is the key to any woman’s heart. Soon enough the soft electric guitar will take over and you won’t need any explanation as to why this song is on your CD. When Enrique hits the high “C” slide your arm around her waist, and put your free arm on her knee, if she then raises her leg over yours (Like you should be expecting.) coolly move your hand up to her thigh. Now you find yourself in a glorious little pretzel of human extremities, see how well you can tangle yourselves together, maybe you’ll get stuck! 3. Eagle Eyed Cherry: Save Tonight. This song will seal the deal. Just listen to the lyrics! This song was written for you and your roommate’s hot cousin. When the chorus begins to come in whisper, “I wish you didn’t have to leave tomorrow, I wish that you could stay.” She won’t know why, but she will wish this too, and the lyrics of this song will take on a whole new meaning. Sort of like, “You and me, and a bottle of wine.” It will be you and her, and a bottle of Captain, and her cousin sleeping 3 feet away. 4. The Verve: Bittersweet Symphony. This is where you make your move. Allow the violin play a little bit as you look longingly into her eyes. Lean in just as the drums kick in, she wouldn’t even be able to resist her cousin at a moment like this, let alone his totally sexy roommate. Clothes will be flying off as the first chorus plays. “I can’t change my mind. No, no, no” Richard Ashcroft will croon, and you and your roommates kin won’t change your mind about consummating the dirty deed on the very futon you and your roommie bought together. You will wake up in the arms of your roommate’s hot cousin; she will gaze at you adoringly and thank you for the most romantic night of her life. “No,” you will say, “Thank you.” As you get up to walk her out of the dorm slyly hit the play button on the boom box one last time. Hootie and The Blowfish’s 1994 hit song, “Only Wanna Be With You” will come on. As you share a teary goodbye the hot cousin will promise to attend your school next fall. You will make a solemn vow to wait for her, and to call and write everyday. All these promises will be vapid and empty but who cares!? You totally just fucked your roommate’s cousin!
Another Day In the Life of… by Jake Hurwitz
Dear Diary, This is the worst day of my life. I know that’s how I’ve began each diary entry for the last 6 weeks but it’s true. Each day is worse than the last. I greet each morning with bitter disbelief that this is actually my life. I want to die. In my sleep, in a painful accident, I really don’t care. The sweet merciful hand of death is all I think about. I’ve concluded that my parents hated me from birth. That’s why they named me this heinous name. The cursed name that prompted school kids to ridicule me, to tease me relentlessly. It was this unyielding assault on my self esteem that made me lock myself away behind doors and windows with the shades drawn. I haven’t seen the sun in 8 years. Whenever I go out, the people always shout. They’re monsters. They scream my name in the most mocking tone I’ve ever heard. The locals have even taken it upon themselves to claim that my name is their name too. But that is not so. The name is my cross to bear and it’s mine alone. I don’t believe in God. But if he does exist, if I get to meet him when he finally finds it in his cold, unloving heart to kill me, I’ll say this to his face: “F*ck. You.” I’m just a man. I’m a man with flesh, bones, and organs pumping blood through my body to keep me alive against my will. I’m a man like you. But I was born with a different name. That horrid, horrid name. Four words, eight syllables, and a lifetime of never ending cruelty. I have endured. I have endured as best as any man could. I deserve something. I deserve death. At the very least I deserve a swift and painless death. And now I’m crying again. It’s time to lie down. Til next time, Diary. Yours, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Dear Ketchup Packet Industry… by Jake Hurwitz
Ketchup packets. They’re such a good idea. They’re quick, they’re easy, they’re very portable. You just grab five or six packets on your way out of any dining facility and you’re good to go. I do have one qualm here, however, as I sit here opening ketchup packet after ketchup packet as my chicken nuggets get cold. Honestly, just one thing, and anyone who knows me knows that I really hate to nit-pick. And trust me, the last thing I want to do is step on anyone’s toes. I can totally see you guys going, “Does this piece of crap think he’s better than us? Does he really think he knows something that we don’t about the ketchup packet industry?” You’re right. You’re so right. I know nothing of your triumphs and tribulations. Which is why I say again, I really am not trying on purpose to overstep my boundaries. I can only hope that my intrusion isn’t so offensive that you overlook my one simple suggestion: What if we made ketchup packets bigger?
A Conversation Between a Chef at a Cruelty Free Restaurant and a Cow by Jake Hurwitz
Cow: So this is great, I love hearing about cruelty free restaurants. Chef: Yeah I really feel like I’m doing a good deed. Cow: Tell me about your menu. Chef: Well we have a great garden salad, a delicious flank steak. Cow: What? Chef: Flank steak, to die for. Cow: So when you say cruelty free… Chef: We kill all the animals very humanely. Cow: Ok maybe you don’t get it. To us that’s the cruelest part, the part where you kill us. Chef: I see, but I kill all the animals very quick and painlessly. Cow: Still, you did say kill. We do die. And that’s really just the worst part for us. Chef: A man needs to eat.