(via:beachbumdalt)
'A Guy Goes Tanning' by Jake Hurwitz
A guy walks into a tanning salon
Girl Clerk: Hello sir, how are you?
Guy: I’m okay, thanks. I-
Girl Clerk: Are you picking someone up?
Guy: Oh-
Girl Clerk: Let me guess, short blonde? She’s going to be done in-
Guy: No, no I’m not. I’m actually-
Girl Clerk: Oh a gift certificate? Well those come in either sessions or-
Guy: Listen, I’m not here for a gift certificate.
Girl Clerk: I hope your not asking me out, I have a boyfriend.
Guy: I’m not. I-
Girl Clerk: You need directions? There’s a gas station right next do-
Guy: I need a room.
Girl Clerk:…
Guy: A room. A tanning bed. Whatever you call it, you know, a room.
Girl Clerk: I don’t understand.
Guy: (Leaning in) I want to pay you to lie in a bed and get a tan.
Girl Clerk: Excuse me, I am not going to lie in bed and get a tan with you.
Guy: (Sternly) I didn’t say “with me.”
Another customer walks in
Customer: (To Guy) Are you in line?
Guy: Pssht, no. (Looks at Clerk and vigorously shakes his head)
Girl Clerk: Yes, yes you just asked me for a room.
Guy: Ha! No I didn’t, are you crazy? (turns to customer) She’s crazy. (To cashier) I didn’t ask for a room you crazy bitch.
Girl Clerk: You absolutely did. (Typing furiously on a computer) Ok, room 10 is available.
Customer: (Stares at Guy)
Guy: Oh so now you competely understand what I’m talking about, huh? Listen, I’m just picking up a gift certificate for my girlfriend. (Turns to Customer) She’s so hot.
Customer: (Nods)
Another male customer walks in
Guy: Look! Guys tan, I told you!
Customer 2: I’m picking up my girlfriend, homo.
Guy: Me too, douche bag… I was kidding.
Customer 2: Oh, I was kidding too. I’m actually getting a tan.
Guy: Oh really? Nice, me too.
Customer 2: Gotcha, faggot!
Guy: You wish.
Customer 2: What?
Guy: Yeah…
Girl Clerk: (To Guy) Oh wait, I know you. your name is in the computer. Hang on. (Furiously types) Yeah, you’ve got 7 sessions left.
Guy: (Laughing nervously) No, I don’t think that’s me.
Girl Clerk: Nope, there’s a picture of you right here. You’re name is-
Guy: (Suddenly lunges at the computer, picks up the monitor and hurls it through the glass window. Everyone sits in stunned silence) You know what, I have a few errands to do. Just tell my girlfriend to text me when she gets out. Lates. (Guy angrily storms out)
Girl Clerk: (Looking out the window) I don’t believe this. (Outside, Guy has changed into a speedo and is lying on the hood of his car.)
Guy: (Suddenly notices everyone looking at him.) Faggots!
